Hoopskirtman Is Gone With The Pineapples

Here is an amusing and quite silly story I wrote back in 2008.

After ten years of marriage it turned out that Lonnie and Tom, aka hoopskirtman, were not meant to be together forever. Tom thought that Lonnie was acting distracted lately, but he finally realized it was all over the day he came home to to be thrown out by the sheriff. Lonnie had made up a story about how Tom's hoopskirts were causing her emotional duress, which was pretty hypocritical since she had designed and sewed each one. Actually, that night as the sheriff was escourted Tom off his own property he realized she had not made him a fancy or flouncy hoopskirt in over a year. Tom was a little sad to look back and see the last of Uncle Tom's Cabin, but he knew in the pit of his stomach it was time to move on.

The next day Lonnie started shacking up with a nineteen year guy name Ted in the cabin and renamed Uncle Ted's Cabin after her new beau. She even persuaded Ted to wear the beautiful hoopskirts and corsets Tom had left behind, so lets just say she was not very creative. Turns out Lonnie was having a midlife crisis and just wanted to prove she was still viable by having a love affair with a man half her age. Tom heard about this at the local bar as he was drowning out his sorrows in one Shirley Temple after another. Tom was so sad about the break-up he did not even stop to realize that Shirley Temples were non-alcoholic.

Tom was crying all over the bar and picked up a piece of paper to dry off his eyes. He noticed this was a brochure for a trip to Hawaii, so he decided the very next day his new start would be in the fiftieth state.

Tom packed his hoopskirts and boarded an airplane to Honolulu. Thankfully Tom had been selling yarn on the side, so he had three months income to live off of before he went broke.

Upon landing in Honolulu Tom decided to take the first job that came his way, so he went to the airport coffee bar and begged to be hired. It turned out that day the flaky high school boy at the counter decided to quit so he could make out with his girlfriend and the flight back to Seattle, so by a chance of luck Tom now had a job.

At first the customers at the coffee shop stared Tom because he was dressed to the nines as Civil War era lady, but his boss loved him for it because so many people came to buy coffee and talk to hoopskirtman. The boss was congratulated for the great business strategy of hiring a Civil War performer, and Tom played along by pretending to be a Scarlet O'Hara like type of dragqueen. Tom helped to crush the stereotype that all dragqueens are only interested in same sex relationships because Tom was very much a heterosexual. Tom just happened to be more feminine than the average man.

On Tom's days off he had so much fun driving around the island of Oahu, and eventually he found a really cute piece of land with pineapples on it. It was really windy there, so he decided to call it Gone With The Pineapples. At work they called him "Gone With The Wind" because of his hoopskirts, so he thought having a new land named after him would be good luck.

A month later Tom bought the plot of land and started at new life there. He eventually quit the job at the coffee shop and went to college. Tom got his degree in nineteenth century women's fashion,and became a Civil War era performer and period fashion expert. Tom performed in local plays starring as himself "hoopskirtman", and he volunteered at the local soup kitchen. It was at there he met fellow volunteer Elise, and the two quickly fell in love.

At this point Tom was 40 and Elise was 20, but they loved each other and wanted to make the relationship work. Elise had never dated a man in drag before, but it was a new age and she was so open to her new love. Tom had a masculine side, but he also was in touched with his girly side. Tom built them a beautiful house while wearing his hoopskirts, and Elise realized he was the one. On Elise's 22 birthday the couple married and they lived happily ever after. Ironically Ted left Lonnie and took all her beautiful hoopskirts, outfits, and crafts when she was sleeping, so guess who had better karma in the end. Four years after Tom and Elise had been married they received a call from Lonnie begging him to come back, but told her now and he had to go knit. Tom was not bitter about Lonnie having used the sheriff to get him thrown out of his own house, but he really did not want to see her again.

From that day on Lonnie became smitten once again with Tom as she had been in her late twenties and early thirties, lamenting all the hurt she had inflicted upon this lovely man. Tom forgot all about the odd call from Lonnie and lived happily ever after with Elise.

P.S. This is not the last of hoopskirtman, just wanted to let you know he had a long and happy life with his lady love Elise.